Things with Chandler heated up for a while and then fizzled out again when he ditched me at our crush party. Whatever.

Was OTP one night and did something regretful with beard. Left a sock at his apartment. Haven’t heard from him since. I hate boys.

Other than that nothing too exciting has happened. I’ve been feeling lonely instead of single and ready to mingle lately. The quarter is over and I’m ready to start the Winter off right. I’m spending 2 weeks in Florida before going back to school so hopefully it will clear my head and get me feeling better again. Jobs, life, and everything else has been getting me down and I’m ready to forget it all, if just for a while.

Finally made out with Chandler. He is beautiful and an AMAZING kisser but he can’t hold a conversation to save his life. He has texted me on and off since but overall not much going on there. I would definitely not mind making out again though…

This weekend: epic fail

Jim…he apparently finally broke up with his girlfriend. Oh…did I mention that it was because he heard I liked him?! WTF. So I had asked him to formal but he is BBM’s biffer so that obviously didn’t go over too well. He came over to talk about it and that slipped out of his mouth in a drunken word vomit incident. RED FLAG! Needless to say we are no longer going as dates…and now I am dateless four days before the event. I was not about to be his rebound. The fact that he thought of me as the typical I’m-going-to break-up-with-my-girlfriend-now-because-I-have-something-to-fall-back-on-girl is not cool.

BBM threw a fit and called me classless and I will probably never be allowed in their frat house again. More bad news?

Fonzie’s birthday was this weekend and he finally acknowledged me in public. He was asking for a birthday kiss – which I politely declined – but flirted the whole night. Ugh. He has some sort of spell over me. Or he did…until I overheard him and Scrooge discussing who would get to go home with me at the end of the night. WTF?! I am not a prize to be won. But I caved…

Scrooge came over after the night was over. He’s actually really funny. Great sense of humor. We made out but should I have done that?

Moral of the story, I am overwhelmed with everything that has happened recently. Yah it’s fun to have multiple people competing for your attention. But after the Scrooge/Fonzie debate, I started to feel more like a cheap whore than a respectable young woman who is a hit with the boys. I need to slow down, calm down, and figure out what I really want. I don’t want to get hurt…hence I can’t settle down because it makes me vulnerable. But this routine is getting old and my emotions are finally catching up with me. Bleh.

Monday night: Met a new boy with no name yet. Went home with him…nearly sober. Oops. First hookup with a boy where I wasn’t near blackout since last year. Maybe I am growing up? Nah. I thought for sure it was going to be a one night stand but he texted me the next day asking me how my day was. I friended him on facebook and have so far been ignored. Probably doesn’t remember my last name haha.

Chandler texted me and we have halloween plans to play beer pong. I love him, aka nothing has changed in the last week.

BBM won’t leave me alone. He confronted me about how little I pay attention to him. Really BBM…really? Have you not figured out that I am JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU?! Who am I kidding, he probably never will understand.

I saw Jim on Monday but I ignored him because I was fighting with BBM. He doesn’t like me anyways…he is purely an infatuation.

Ikabod Crane came out to see me bar tend Saturday. He’s too nice and will never make a move so that is probably never going to happen again. Plus I embarrassed myself too much to ever feel OK going home with him again.

Also Saturday I met the Kellogg Rugby team and proceeded to turn them all off because I didn’t know that New Zealand was not in Australia. I blame the Indiana public school system.

Ranger Joe also confronted me last night about not inviting him to our sorority function. His exact words: “I thought you liked me…” Ohhhh Ranger Joe. I am very sorry, but no.

This weekend is Halloween so it should be interesting. Get excited!

Ranger Joe is crazy. He lives in his own little world. End of story, I don’t like him.

His friend Chandler looks like a God and I want to do him, badly. If I am not careful I could potentially rape him drunkenly one night.

New boy: Ikabod Crane (don’t ask). Cute, nice, short (of course). Had a fun time out last week but I got way too drunk…SURPRISE! I think I embarrassed myself and tried to like take off his pants or something. He rejected me. Oh well. He’s still texting me but I’m holding out for Chandler because seriously I would do anything to that boy.

B.B.M. aka Billy is a douche. He is cocky and stubborn and an asshole. I couldn’t go out last week to his date party because I had a fever and he made me feel like a bitch. Whatever, he is short and pretentious.

I’m taking a break from going out due to over indulgence lately, but hopefully this weekend will bring more stories.

The last time I felt like this was when I was with Justin and I can’t even remember the last time that was. It’s not even like hysterically upset…it’s just that feeling you get when you can’t stop tears from coming out but you aren’t crying? I don’t know. Everything is just so overwhelming right now. School. Sorority. Three jobs. Fucking boys. Fucking PEOPLE!

People sometimes suck…really bad. Like come on. I don’t know how to put my thoughts into words right now so I’m going to say that this blog is about over. I’m gonna try to go to bed and forget that boys exist.

And if they don’t have a girlfriend, they have other motives. Like a cute baseball player, that will remain nameless because I have not come up with a proper name for yet, started texting me and calling me but is always referencing Ranger Joe. So, is he trying to help out his friend? Or is he mentioning his friend’s name because he wants to make sure I am aware of the fact that I am flirting with Ranger Joe’s best friend? Either way, this sucks.

Jim, this guy from our favorite frat, has some kind of spell over me and I can’t understand why. I find him really cute (not hott) but my friends say that he is not. I really think it’s his personality that makes him attractive to me. And I couldn’t tell you why, even if I wanted to.

So no Jim because he has a girlfriend, and no baseball player because he’s friends with Ranger Joe. I need to expand my social horizons before I start being incestuous with people here.

I really hope the problems I’m having here are solely based on the fact that they school is full of crazies who either think their shit don’t stink or are so clingy you don’t know how to handle it. Apparently it is WAY too unrealistic to expect something in the middle. I finally understand why my mom always told me boys are gross. It finally all makes sense. Boys are gross. And if you are gross…I am not interested because I refuse to settle.

At least not until my 30s.

Maybe that is the core of my problems. I don’t want to give up my free time for some guy. Not now, anyways. I want to spend tons of time getting ready if I want to. I want to read Cosmo or watch TV shows on Hulu when I want to. I want to go have chats with my friends for hours and not have to worry about someone or being somewhere else. Is that a crime?

You are only young once. You only have so long to do whatever you want, when you want to do it. Why would you fill your free time with some boy who is going to knock you down until you’re in such a big hole you literally can’t free yourself? This is where my personal issues come in. I realize I spent so much time wasted on Justin; time that I could’ve spent bettering myself or learning something new. I probably could’ve done my Broadway dream if I hadn’t have spent so many hours crying that I looked like hell and literally had no voice left with which to sing. I think when it was finally said and done, I made a pact with myself that I would never put a boy before myself (or a girl, for that matter) because I finally understood that the only person you can count on 100% of the time is yourself – and sometimes your family – and if you talk yourself into believing that he is the most important person in your life, than your self will not be there for you. Your self will become so frustrated with itself that it will give up. And it takes a VERY long time to trust yourself again, let alone someone else.

I’ve made progress since these “dark days” as I like to call them, but I’m not there yet. I still have some soul searching to do. I still have to force myself not to call him or text him exciting or sad things. I still have to continuously tell myself that it is not a good idea to call him when I just want to talk. And while I may not be crying myself to sleep every night wondering what he is doing and who he is doing it with, I still occasionally find myself wishing I was with him. I feel like normal single people wish they had a boyfriend when they feel lonely…and I’m still wishing for him. Time heals, they say.

I had the nicest guy with me last night and it caused me to be super pushy and abrasive. I got angry that he wouldn’t leave even though he was telling me how beautiful I was all night. I cried myself to sleep after he left because I realized that I don’t give guys like this a chance. I don’t like getting hurt for real or having to actually feel something for someone else so I go for guys who I know just want to have sex with me. It has served it’s purpose for the past year. It’s kept me from having to waste time on stupid emotions that could be used for something more productive than just crying in my room all day.

Justin is a complicated story that I couldn’t possibly explain if i wanted to thoroughly enough for anyone to comprehend even a little. Even my parents who were with me when I completely lost myself don’t really understand. He hurt me so bad that I really am terrified to ever try something again. I wasted so much time pining over him, waiting for his texts/calls, worrying about him and when I finally got over it I realized how much I could have done with that time. Maybe that is why I fill my time up with everything else…so I don’t have to even think about it because honestly, I don’t have time.

Maybe it is that I am just not super attracted to Ranger Joe. He’s short…and honestly his hands are tiny and we all know what that means. I mean that shouldn’t matter…but let’s face it, it does. I’ve been there and done that with Austin and really don’t want to go there again. I’ll probably never even find out because I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but kiss him last night because I felt all these strings attaching and didn’t want to have to deal with it.

Sure this sounds unhealthy. And maybe I do need a shrink or something to help me…but right now I really feel like I’m just still not ready. I’m really not ready to commit. I don’t have time; I don’t have the emotional capacity. That’s just how it goes, I guess.

I am very upset about this because this is what always happens. Either the guys is completely distant, and he doesn’t want anything more than just a steady hook-up. Or…they are complete psychos. Texting me 4 times in a row in the middle of the night and not getting a response probably means I’m asleep. If I see you texted me once when I wake up in the morning, I WILL text you back…if I am interested. If not, then sorry…try your luck elsewhere.

That is all for today.